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Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.


Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.


I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.


When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.


E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.


“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late

“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late

“in traffic” = just got in a car

“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago


Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.

Always finish what you start.


the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want

you, dumb: to be your lover

me, smart: a dirtbike


Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.