Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Went to bed with a can of pringles, woke up and finished them.
Always finish what you start.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
the spice girls: tell me what you want what you really really want
you, dumb: to be your lover
me, smart: a dirtbike
Her:How long before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”
Dr.:No one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.