Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*

ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?

Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –

Yeff

[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this

*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.

Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.

rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month

waiter: did you enjoy your meal

me: honestly not really

waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever

I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.

When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”

I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”

Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.

my co worker is getting married.

She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.

Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.

Their new last name will be Nighthawk

Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.

today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total

I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

If you breakdance you buy dance.

me: will you please pass the bee barf?

wife: please stop calling the honey that.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?

Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

Can Happiness buy money?

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?