Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Last time I was at the zoo, I got tazed for telling some kids that mountain gorillas were called gorhillas.
Good times.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
What’s the point buying it then?
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome