Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.
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When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
What?!?
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
“Awkward silences are the worst”
*Someone, inventing the kazoo… probably
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them