Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married

*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*

I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”

Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass

I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.

[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff

detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell

Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?

Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word

Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.

FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

The best way to avoid unnecessary arguments with your sexual partner is by agreeing the price in writing before you start.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

HO_SE BOAT

I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat

If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.

[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.