CORONAVIRUS: I can’t believe these humans aren’t taking me seriously just because they’re not in imminent personal danger right this second
CLIMATE CHANGE, SMOKING AN ABSOLUTELY ENORMOUS BLUNT:
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Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
never ask a starfish for directions
MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!
MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember
me: the question you just asked
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Guy who invented the piano: 200 hundred years from now it may need tuning but it will be sturdy. So sturdy.
His friend, who invented piano benches: the legs are designed for maximum wobble
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
I spent the last 2 hours standing in my driveway with the leaf blower, so I could meet my neighborhood noise quota.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?