Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?

Me: It’s at 7.

H: Oh, I was close.

Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

[Boiling in a pot]

Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!

Girl lobster: I’m cold

11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?

me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!

I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.

Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?

We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly

My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.

Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.

Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it

Me: Happy Easter!

Taylor Swift: I hate Easter! It’s all a lie!

Me: The Jesus thing?

Taylor Swift: Ya… Men don’t come back after 3 Days!

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”

~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion

Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.

In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)

71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.

I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.

{during sex}

Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights

This could be us… but you playing

If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.

Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.

Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.

Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table

Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.

Me: …dare.

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.

marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad

Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.

Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.

DD: U sure?

Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.