Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
Straight, gay, bi. Doesn’t bother me. But you foot people have some splainin’ to do.
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
OMG 🤣🤣
Failed Pickup Lines:
“Baby, my memory may be selective but I’m not.”
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
