Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
My goal weight is to stop hearing ‘you have a great personality’
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Sometimes I think I’m too old to make a career change. But then I remember how Walter White went from high school chemistry teacher to drug kingpin. Anything is possible!
me: hey babe, are you Leonardo DiCaprio because you are keeping it under 25
slow driver in front of me:
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
