[coronavirus pandemic diary]
Day 3: I’ve not had sex in 6 months
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I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
neighbors are automatically creepy because they’re strangers who know where you live
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
smartest karate player in the world
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this