Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.

Me to my children: I would kill and die for you

Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE

[School Bus Driver Interview]

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?

GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.

It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”

There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.

They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now

If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?

Why you should stop “liking” posts on Twitter…

3. Boring
2. Weak
1. They’re now invisible

Why you should start replying with “this pleases me” instead…

3. Enigmatic
2. Suggests people should curry your favour
1. It’s what Alan Rickman would’ve done

If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”

I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.

Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen

Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”

I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…

[my last day as a transplant surgeon]

Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.

trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?

SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.

Doctors always givin me ibuprofen, b**ch give me something I can sell.

My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars

me: do you have anything for dry skin?

pharmacist: aloe.

me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.

If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.

Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic

Worm: wait we’re eating what