Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan

Cat:

Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.

I’m surprised Cinderella didn’t become a psycho killer because I’ve seen some bitches go batshit crazy when they’ve lost a shoe.

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching

They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.

Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.

My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming

INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people

ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy

The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices

Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”

*Go to a bar you Hate

*Put $50 in the Jukebox

*Play nothing but Nickelback

*Leave

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…

Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.

I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.

Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.

Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.

“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”