Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

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“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza


Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.


People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.


Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd


Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.


[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie


I would never have a swear jar as

1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and

2. Imply that I have spare change.


[backstage at GOP debate]
AIDE: Mr. Trump needs his hair.
CAT: I’m puking as fast as I can.


Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.