Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
You Might Also Like
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*
Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!
4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.