Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I have written yet another poem about laundry
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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