Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
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I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
[napping on couch]
Daughter: dada wanna play cops and robbers?
Me: ok I’ll be the cops.
Daughter: you have to chase me.
Me: I can’t.
Daughter: why?
Me: FBI took over the case from me [eyes still closed] nothing I could do.
Daughter: [under breath] stupid feds.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I beg your pardon?
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
My so-called “friends” have asked that I stop referring to them that way.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…