coroner: his stomach was completely filled with guacamole
detective: and that’s what killed him?
coroner: [looks at detective then at the axe in my skull then back at detective] no
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Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.