Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”

he asked “what are we?” and I said toniggggght we are young

I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story

Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*

My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.

Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.

Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”

The Lion In Me:

BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?

ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning

BOSS: why a clown though

Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.

long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!

Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling

Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy

“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro

I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together… what could you possibly be plotting… you can’t even get out of the open window

Snapes on a plane.

Take your age and add 5 years to it.

That is your age in 5 years.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌

Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

Cheer up.

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha