Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar

Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird

coworker: you should try my therapist.

me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.

Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?

Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat

[an eagle shrieks in the distance]

Boeing: we fixed all the problems

Passengers: is that Flex Seal?

prepare for carbonated trouble

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

Receives a compliment

Me: no sorry we don’t do that here

Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.

Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?

Flight attendant: I need you to sit

Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?

*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*

If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.

*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*

Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.

Bank account: *shakes head furiously*

Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*

Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages

Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to

Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!

Wife: Talk to him

Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs

proctologist: how many are in here

How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.

If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.

I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions

Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine

15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.

How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!