coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
you will never know the true number of layers
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Doctor’s visit today. They gave me a cute little light blue paper gown and I froze to death…
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
italians don’t go to regular prison they go to a penne tentiary
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy
Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.