coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
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WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
(When someone insults something you like.)
“Sources?? In triplicate! My honor demands nothing less!”
(When someone insults something you hate.)
“This RandomUser654788433 fellow certainly makes good points.”
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
My insomnia has it’s own toothbrush in my bathroom.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
The scariest pumpkins ever 😵🤣🎃
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED