Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.

My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.

It’s a little known fact that tuxedo cats’ coats were not the result of selective breeding by humans, but evolved to help them thrive in their native habitat: the black tie gala. Camouflaged in their formal wear, they feed on a diet of cocktail shrimp, caviar, and canapés.

It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.

if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

“Five year plan?”

[shuffles papers]

…written down here somewhere

… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper

Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!

I win.

Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period

ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.

*cut to confessional camera*

ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.

From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open

emergency phone

I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.

Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’

Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’

next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…

cup your hands together until the water overflows.

then look at them and say:

This water is getting out of hand

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.

Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.

9yo: You’re making it worse.

[holding a baby]

me: uh so how long have you been a baby?

I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.

Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?

Me: You bought me a ski jacket

Her: Skiing is a sport!

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.

Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.

*overheard behind me on a plane*
Dad: “you’re getting potato chips in Abigail’s hair”
6ish year old son: “calm down Kenneth”