coroner: [pulling sheet over dead man] he’s gone
me: whoa magic
You Might Also Like
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
He is just living hist best little life 😊
Google: and you want to represent us?
Me: yes, I am very qualified
Google: our file says you searched “how to pretend to be a lawyer” from the waiting room
Me: overruled
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
Women are like bacon: we look good, we smell good, we taste good and we will slowly kill you.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.