Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Buc-ee’s is truly a monstrosity. A convenience store so large it becomes the most inconvenient shopping experience imaginable. Even the name defies convenience. Autocorrect almost begs you not to find one or speak of this Godless temple of man’s excess. 5 stars

Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.

Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”

Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”

I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!

Dad: That’s a D, moron.

if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers

whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist

Walmart customers are classless.

You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.

Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.

I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.

“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”

Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!

Me: Sounds like a plan.

If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally

Europe. Made in Germany.

Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.

Some cool things about NYC are that it’s the nation’s largest city, an international cultural and economic hub, and right now there are about 8 people left running it

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?

That’s preposterous

Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME

Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.

What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:

Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner

HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.

ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”

It was nice knowing you all.

imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g

Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?

Me: *checks Fitbit*