*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
#SailorMoon ain’t got nothing on…
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
“You heard the song I was playing?”
Cop: Yes I did, and now HERE I AM
“ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE”
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
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Today and my dermatologist husband stopped a European man buying sunscreen, saying “I’m not trying to be weird, but that is not the sunscreen for you. I’m a dermatologist.” This man ended up picking out what husband recommended and said “you have great skin so I must trust you.”
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.