Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.

My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it

Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*

Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up

Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it

[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]

My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.

The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

I’ve lost countless hours of my life simply squishing peoples heads with my fingers as they walk by

I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.

My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.

SF is the wild wild west man

Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend

10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?

Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]

When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.

“Go big or go home” bro that’s literally the easiest decision of my entire life

I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.

Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.

If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.

I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.

it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead

Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.

I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.

Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.

If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted

First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]

Her: do you come here often?

Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*