*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]