Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.

I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!

*Texting*

HIM: Do you have any snacks?

ME: In my panty.

H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”

M: Nope.

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food

Wendy’s manager: you are very fired

I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.

What were you doing in the shower for so long?

Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain

[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*

[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

[Baseball game]

ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex

HIM: What? No, baseball came first

ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball

*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—

oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶

me: aaaah… darn. darn it.

When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.

What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.

I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.

Her: My God…yours is huge!

Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.

*slow wink*

I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

You could say I’m on stand-bi.

do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.

So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché

“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”

SON: How are monster trucks made?

ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-

GF: [glares]

ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane

Be Careful Driving

#BostonBlizzard2015

*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!

*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.