Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
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Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
I’m so good at missing early morning meetings, I can do it with my eyes closed
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Having an indoor/outdoor female cat that isn’t spayed is like having a free refill for kittens.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
being able to sleep 8 hours straight is also wasted on children. for what? what do you have to do tomorrow? if i don’t get enough sleep tonight, i might get fired
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*