Corporate Email: To add professionalism to all company correspondence, please make sure to add a photo to your profile.
Me: Okay.
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The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Important reminders
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
A visual representation of how much I think countries look like a chicken nugget. More green = more nuggety.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
Cinema or bowling
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist