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Me: Okay.
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.