Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

Remembering when I was in 7th grade and my bestie and I realized our grandpas both fought in WW2 and we were like “omg were they besties too?? 🥹🥹” and then I told my mom and she was like “honey……..Noelle is German”

*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza

Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”

This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

Friend: ugh algorithms are the worst, don’t you hate how it’s all news and politics and sadness on your feed all the time?

Me, who only sees baby animals and dessert recipes: yeah totally, so awful

@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.

Mouth: Uh oh…. it’s that sauce word.

Brain: It’ll be fine, you’ve been practicing.

Me: Will you pass the worth chester’s shire?

Date: I’m sorry… what?

Me: Worse rooster shear?

Brain: WILL SOMEBODY MAKE HIM STOP!!

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Oh good, I was hoping for a terrifying, fungus-related dystopian nightmare today

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

Yup.

I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.

Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’

-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.

My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.

I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.

Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.

Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.

It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.

HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

W

being depressed is funny because tons of movies stop making sense. like why is that guy trying so hard to stay alive. i cannot suspend disbelief