Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CASHIER: what, no tip?

ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt

CASHIER: no, i meant money

ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)

*Rubs lamp*

*Nothing happens*

Where’s the genie?

*Takes off lampshade*

What’s wrong with this thing?

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?

me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR

Rooting for the overdog

God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!

I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.

What’s a random act of kindness you’ve done for a stranger recently? I helped a bunch of teens buy alcohol and cigarettes the other day

Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”

Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt

My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

I am also baked goods

Yes, yes, everyone is stupid except you.

them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait

Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?

-Asking for a friend.

Houston, we have a problem

Houston: new phone who dis

Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?

It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus

me: ok so imagine if you were a horse—
my sister: bold of you to assume i’m not, but continue

If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.