Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.

Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.

Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.

“Pass the joint.”

-Cannibals at dinner

new tattoo]

them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque

[after 50 people had asked]

them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel

The train announcer just said we should keep our personal belongings with us at all times but I’ve left most of mine at home.

I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse

my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.

*looks at calendar*

*looks at stomach*

*looks at calendar*

Guess I’m telling people I’m pregnant again this summer.

“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”

They should make a movie where Hannibal becomes giant and is eating everyone. Then he watches the Ring tape on a giant screen and Sadako comes out and is huge and they fight

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.

“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”

LG: Plastic?

Samsung: Metal?

iPhone 8: What about Glass?

Me handing out gift bags at my Halloween party: don’t worry – it’s already dead

Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics

[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?

going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?

Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.

He replied with: “Dream on!”

That’s very nice of him, right?

#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning

Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.

My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.