Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You Might Also Like
I’m a janitor at MIT and i see some extremely hard ass equation on the chalk board. i quickly erase it because im not being paid to do math
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Undressing with the curtains open is my little way of giving back to the old ladies in our neighborhood watch.
Jesus: Those were the times when I carried you son
Me: And when the vending machine ate my dollar?
Jesus: That time you bought me a Snickers
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…