*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
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[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Boy never ceases to amaze me
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad