@Marlebean

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

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@thepunningman

[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO

@sixfootcandy

Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.

@MikeOdenthal

Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.

@iTomFoolery

I mixed coffee with Red Bull, now I can see the invisible things my kitten pounces on.

@notmythirdrodeo

Scientist 1: We’re not going to be using mice in experiments anymore. You can just hand those over.

Scientist 2: Um, you look suspiciously like 3 cats in a lab coat.

Scientist 1 glares at Scientist 2, swats pen off counter and runs sideways out of room.

@Brianhopecomedy

I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.

@canadasandra

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

@BoogTweets

Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again

@tastefactory

“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt