*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
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Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Me: This escape room sucks
My boss: This is a budget meeting…
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
“Yeah, I was hoping you could help us. We’re trying to find a motel that takes cash and doesn’t ask a lot of questions.”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce