Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭

8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?

me: wut

8:

me: OH hush puppies?

8: oh. Yea

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.

Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.

Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.

How was your night?

Throughout history they’ve removed a lot of key parts from the bible, like how Satan nicknamed his loofah “Loofifer.”

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.

I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.

[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone

All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it

#OneLiner

how much for the angry fruit?

I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.

Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.

Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe

Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat

Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils

[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking

I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really

St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here

cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try

It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.