Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Is there a class for just the karate noises?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?

Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them

I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.

I made you something special for Mother’s Day, my kid threatened.

one week till the election

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9

Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die

EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears

Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

me when i smell free food in the break room

When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD

God: you hate the moon.

Wolf: why?

God: he stole your girlfriend.

Wolf: I have a girlfriend?

God: not anymore.

Wolf: because the moon-

God: -stole her yes.

Wolf: I hate the moon.

God: I know.

Wolf: I just miss her so much.

God: let it out.

Wolf: [takes a deep breath]

If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.

But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”

Everyone is always saying “take it on the chin” as a metaphor for enduring misfortune courageously until they take it on the chin & realize that’s the human knockout button.

Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.

ME: I have an appointment for 1:30

RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?

ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you

I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.