Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
taking June’s advice to heart
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
i think both sides are to blame here
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.