Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.

Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.

Kids: LOL

Dog: LOL

Brain: LOL

Bladder: LOL

Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while

Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.

Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.

Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.

My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.

Me: *taking a family photograph*

Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?

The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.

Follow me for more life hacks.

I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Hey IKEA,

Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

[middle of the night]

Me: Wake up!

Wife: What?!

Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig

Wife:

Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts

rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass

After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.

Oh wait I made them too.

My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night

(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!

Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.

wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???

me: i’m over in the cereal.

wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.

me: *whispers* open the box.

You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.

Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of Netflix

Me: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead

My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous