Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My mom texting me from an anime convention
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
If we keep saving daylight, daylight will never learn to save itself.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Looks like the concierge is hitting on my wife again but who cares, this cherry danish I’m eating right now is on point nom nom nom!
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.