Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
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A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
If you start making a voodoo doll at Michael’s, you get to meet the manager.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
I feel so bad every time I startle an introvert. Please come back
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails