Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Mike is short for Micycle
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
I don’t know why HR tell me I’m not allowed to use the fire extinguisher unless there’s a fire, then get cranky when I start one.
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year