Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band

Her: N*SYNC?

Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator

At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.

Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck

Waiter: Ready to order?

Friend: I’ll have the quinoa and grilled tofu lettuce wrap.

Me: I’ll take the MSG platter with a side of gluten.

Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long

nobody’s gonna understand

ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast

Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old

I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.

Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

guy: man this water is warm

extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh

[2 monkeys in a bath]

Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!

Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in

“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds

them: do you think about other people when you have sex

me: when I have what now

Read an interesting statistic this morning: ‘Over 73% of women are deeply unhappy with their sex life.’ I still have no idea how it got laminated and stuck on the fridge door at home though.

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.

A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.

And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous

I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”