Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”

1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”

I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.

me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth

Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.

Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.

Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!

Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.

My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.

Me: welcome to my painting podcast

[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]

Me: it’s a mountain

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”

Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

Me: What’s with the look?

Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?

Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?

My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”

I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.

GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.

A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully

This spa was amazing!

Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.

We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.

Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-

[semi-truck drives by]

Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.

Computer: choose a password

Me: mysocks

Computer: confirm password

Me: mysocks

Computer: passwords do not match

😂😂

[firing torpedo from submarine]

torpedo: but I don’t know how to do anything else

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Friends that check up on you >

ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.

HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.