Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
Called it
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing