cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
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Dishonest mechanic?
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
New menu item
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
“soooo little update I’m kinda seeing someone..” — me to my psychiatrist about the tall shadowy figure in a bowler hat in the corner of my room
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
Kid: My sandwich has too much peanut butter on it.
Me: *makes new sandwich*
Kid: This one has too little.
Me: *makes one just right*
Kid: I don’t like peanut butter anymore.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.