Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

they see me scrollin

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up

*Puts on muscle shirt*

*Looks in mirror*

Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.

me: I want you to be you but also all mine

pizza: [cheesing seductively]

Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.

You: Help! I’ve been shot!

Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.

At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.

Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

When I said I start work at 6:30 am I meant that I sit at my desk and drink coffee. I didn’t mean that I wanted you to schedule a meeting at that time I hate you now.

I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex

[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]

[dog park]
Go get it, boy!

*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*

Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever

wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake

Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.

[Masterchef]

Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish

Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef

Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.

[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me

Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.

People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.

Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

This pepper has seen some $h1t.

Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.