Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
dad just confused an episode of full house with a memory of our actual family and I had to be like no that wasn’t us you watched that on full house
When waiting for a flight, there’s always one guy at the gate that makes you think, “As long as I’m not sitting next to him, I’ll be fine.”
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
idk what he going thru but i feel him
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
“WE ALREADY HAVE IT!”
ME: What do we want?!
“TIME TRAVEL!”
ME: When do we–oh
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.