Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
My daughter’s principal made a surprise visit to every 5th grader’s house to hand out “class of 2020” bags, t-shirts, and beach towels.
Let me tell you, you haven’t lived until you’ve stood in your doorway braless in pajamas chatting with your kid’s principal.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
💀 😭
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
no their not
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
They should let you spend one night in a house before you buy/rent it, just to make sure it’s haunted.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes