Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income

Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!

GUIDE: If you see a bear, just make yourself big

[Months later]
DOCTOR: You weigh 300 kilos

ME [mouthful of donuts] I saw a bear

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

I’d like to have a word with the groundhog before he starts on his bullshit this year.

I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.

My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”

the bartender:

Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2

Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.

“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.

You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.

Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.

[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Indian Twitter is a lot like regular Twitter except everyone is misquoting Gandhi instead of Marilyn Monroe.

I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.

Lets keep this short tell me what I did right