Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
You Might Also Like
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
Doctor: Hello. Thanks for being patient
Me: Hello. Thanks for being doctor
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.