Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”

My wife didn’t tell me I was on speakerphone and now her coworker smelly Kelly knows we call her smelly Kelly.

HER: I love classic rock

ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

[Psychiatrist’s Office]

ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?

PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.

My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.

She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.

I’ll handle zombies.

If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing

you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza

Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.

Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

boss: david, you’re fired

me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂

“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”

“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.

My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.

[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know

Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all

Him: plays dead

squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”