Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
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if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Rambo Rambow
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Hoping to spice up my evening
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
This dude got his own movie?
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.