Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
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Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
AI is that friend who is always there for you but gives terrible advice.
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Now that the sun is out here’s your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up