Costco workers just authorized a nationwide strike, which makes sense because collective action is basically just buying justice in bulk
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Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today