Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.

me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds

realtor: that just means it’s settling

my fiancee: *creaky sounds*

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets

(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k

(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?

Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”

If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team

Not to sound overdramatic but if I don’t have a carb in the next 12 minutes, I will fight everyone at this JOANN FABRICS

I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.

My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

wet food twice a day is wreaking havoc on the spoon economy in this household

Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave

me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen

wife: I have some in my purse

me: naaaaahhhh

Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?

Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking

Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup

SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.

HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?

SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.

HK: Is…is that so?

*distant Wagner music*

My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

There was a frozen piece of salmon at the bottom of my fridge I tried to cook after seasoning but I’m realizing this is a mango

[First Date]

I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*

My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.

Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.

guys I’m going home

Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.

I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar

My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.

*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*

*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”

Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.