Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

*reads list of assassin targets*

“Eggs, milk…what the-”

[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…

its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while

I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?

Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.

French windows?

No but I’ve snogged patio doors.

Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.

My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.

My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.

breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds

lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water

dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also

Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense

Creepy-crawlies

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything

Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?

GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”

ME: “Yes”

GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”

ME: “YES”

GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”

ME: “I’m out”

Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉

I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.