Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.

Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭

Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me

Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?

[Krypto stares intently at Lois]

Superman: oh god he sees your bones run

Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.

Her: Let’s play doctor.

Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.

I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.

A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.

Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.

hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶‍♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.

[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]

Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.

It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.

“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”

7am: *starts diet*

7pm: *eats the house*

Tastes victory

Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!

NEW YORKERS: we need more housing

DEVELOPERS: you mean, like, little baby apartments?

NEW YORKERS: no, real housing

DEVELOPERS: we made the little baby apartments.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: you cannot afford them.

NEW YORKERS:

DEVELOPERS: they are “luxury” 😆

My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.

I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same

So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch

Well, this explains it:

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.