Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

Created by Jews, saves humanity.

Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.

I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying

Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.

It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”

Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog

He’s a ladies man

Once my toddler became OBSESSED with the pink Amoxicillin. She LOVED it and WANTED it

I put it up HIGH on top of the HIGHEST counter

She stood motionless, staring up at it for a good 5 minutes

Then I started to hear furniture moving

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!

Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day

before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life

Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.

Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.

Today seems like as good a day as any to start drinking some of these 99 beers on the wall

You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.

CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now

[first date]

him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”

me, a mermaid: can we just go

Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”

[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out