Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
Another day, another round of men asking, “Why are women attracted to this mildly unconventional looking dude?” Honey, every woman you know has a crush on the cartoon fox version of Robin Hood, and this is what baffles you?
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
I don’t want to forget anything so I always make a list before I go to the supermarket:
1. Get shopping
2. Pay for shopping
3. Come home
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.