[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
date: what do you do
me: i run a non-profit
date: which charity?
me: oh…no i’m just a terrible hot dog salesman
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.