Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*

Okay, weigh me now.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?

Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.

Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.

When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back

Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever

Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”

Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…

It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.

7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.

Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.

Me: No.

me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.

cookie:

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?

If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.

[kidnapping]

BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.

ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]

BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.

ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.

Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-

Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.