Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”

“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”

Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?

Sigh, women are so demanding..

Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.

Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

no cat here

Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?

Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!

Me: seriously Martha?

Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?

me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.

In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.

The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.

‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’

A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.

Sorry.

My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants

HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact

me: i hear they’re the best

Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!

🤣

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

My teenage children choosing violence

“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”

Britain be like

Me: what big eyes you have!

Me: what big nose you have!

Me: what big teeth you have!

Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?

The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.