Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something

Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

I think this cat is broken

*extremely loudly* WELCOME TO MY TED TALK ON USING SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING FOR ADVERTISING.

*whispers* cheerios

Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.

What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?

Meow

Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail

Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.

Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel

Wile E Coyote: oh no

*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.

You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.

true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”

*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.

46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?

Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.

There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi