Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

Saint Peter: Name

M: David

SP: You’re in

M: Even after that night in Nogales?!

SP *winks*

*takes a step*

*trap door opens*

SP: Sucka!

when i see someone at the grocery store buying a super common item like mayo i like to walk by and in passing say “oh that stuff is really good i highly recommend it”

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Can’t you just live in the moment, Phil? Every time we kill a bison or light a fire you have to draw it in a cave with your fancy stick.

me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!

him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.

Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.

When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body

If you replace phrase “Americans think” with “Americans with landlines who answer unsolicited calls think” it all makes so much more sense.

My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭

I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.

guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish

Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.

I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”

To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.

what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question

coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them

Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.

I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.

Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain

me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.

0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening

Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.