[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
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Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Tried to feed the baby some vegetable puree so tasted it to show her it’s good…and immediately ordered a pizza for us both
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”