Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end

Nine: There’s safety in numbers

Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*

Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites

Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it

The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

[Sonic]

Me: … and 17 orders of tater…

Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.

I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

Me: Do you want your eggs scrambled or hard boiled?

7-year-old: Donuts.

There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.

Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar

I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”

Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃

Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?

God: Frig sakes.

Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries

Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.

Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!

If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.

If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.

People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.

My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?

Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.

“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call

People keep asking me what my problem is and I think I figured it out, though it’s deep rooted and unsolvable — I just wish my name was in Mambo No. 5

[about to message girl he likes]

Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.

Brain: OR

this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)