Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”

if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?

“You’re not like the other girls.”

“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”

Jeff Bezos going to space gives me a nervous feeling. Like what if something happens and he doesn’t stay there, you guys?

Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.

I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.

But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?

My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.

Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?

16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.

Me: 😊

16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.

I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.

Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.

*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*

Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?

Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.

[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]

Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?

{phone call}

MRS. TURTLE: Hello?

MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours

MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close

MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away

[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]

At least try to make it slightly believable

My 4yo screamed at the top of his lungs at 6:45am this morning, we are staying at my in laws, so I said “I’m not sure everyone likes it when you scream like that.” Then, from the other side of the room, my 18mo who last week could barely say 10 words, “Winnie like it”

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!

him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?

Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.