Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
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#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
real
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
*pauses show* Kids, back in my day we couldn’t watch episode after episode. We would have to wait each week on a specific day and time for a new episode and if we missed it … ARE YOU GUYS WATCHING THE SHOW ON YOUR PHONES?!
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real