Cottage cheese isn’t cheese at all. That just a curd to me.
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As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Based Erika
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
[parent/teacher meeting]
“you must’ve read to him as a baby”
*leans forward in little desk* lady, I didn’t even know him when I was a baby
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?
If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on