Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale

Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus

My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.

The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.

There are 2 kinds of people in this world:

1. People who aren’t good with numbers

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Kung fu movie idea:

She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.

When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of

KUNG FU CAT LADY

I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.

[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.

At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?

ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along

ME: We really need you on top the horse

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.

He did a 3 year stretch.

Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.

It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.

Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

[post-abduction]

ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm

ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?

ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…

Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.

Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?

My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.

Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth

Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.

Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.

Body: Maybe drink water? Just once

Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.

If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me

“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?

Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping