Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!

I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?

saving face 👀

Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?

If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.

Van Gone

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.

There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.

HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE

INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no

Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.

I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?

Siri: I’m not sure I understand

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.