Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado

robber: empty the register, no funny business

joke store owner: oh no

I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.

I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life

Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.

Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents

Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises

Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out

[mouse wedding]

PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE

6yo: Newton discovered gravy

Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.

6yo: what’s that?

Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space

6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy

*at adoption center*

“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.

Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.

This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs

There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.

A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms

Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic

Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

Grew big

My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.

He’s going to be a terrible business owner.

But an incredible mob boss.

They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.

Your husband’s super cute, is he single?

🏠

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically

* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *

I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.

Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?

*points to dead cactus*

What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again