Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.

Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.

JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.

*gazing up at stars*

Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?

Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper

When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.

Me: What do you want for dinner?

Child: McDonald’s.

Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?

Child: A Big Mac.

Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene

[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”

Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?

Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?

dr: we had to remove your colon

me why

My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.

Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…

Prince William: Definitely not racistly!

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

Lmbo

Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.

interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing

[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands

As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.

Are people l still falling for diet pill schemes?

“Here, take this magical pill with a half gallon of water and you won’t be as hungry, guaranteed!”

Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages

Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

me: I need to get this framed

optometrist: just say you need glasses

[On a date at a restaurant]

So this is nice huh?

“Yea,uh, who’s that?”

*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?